Video notes: 8 common patterns in trauma bonded relationships

8 common patterns in trauma bonded relationships - YouTube #

• Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH-H4PkoH88
• Title: 8 common patterns in trauma bonded relationships - YouTube
• Captured on: [2021-03-27 Sat]

Research more on “trauma bonded relationships”, that is the term

Trauma bonded relationships are a form of indoctrination similar to a cult. The way a cult keeps people around is by creating fear of what is outside in the unknown

(1) Justification #

• They don’t mean it
• My parent had a tough childhood
• Starts in childhood trying to justify parent’s abuse
• It becomes a reflexive pattern in adults

(2) Believing the future faking #

• I will go to the doctor
• I am going to get therapy / I am going to work on myself
• It never happens in a substantial way, and you get trapped
• Empats want to believe and will get hanged to any branch that brings hope
• The person lives in the hope, but never in the reality

(3) Keep having the same fight over and over (repetition compulsion) #

• It can be about money
• Or not spending enough time together
• About your respectives families
• Same fights every holiday season
• Same fight over and over with no resolution
• Narcs have no intention on changing
• Shows lacks of empathy or growth on narcs
• Empats are having the same argument with hope of change
• Toxic personalities are really tough and do not change

(4) Not able to give clear reasons on staying in the relationship #

• It is “something”
• Magical justification
• You should be looking for hard and heavy stuff: Respect, kindness, compassion, mutuality, reciprocity, empathy, growth

(5) Fear of leaving #

• Once the empat recognize it, and wants to leave, a fear overcomes him
• The most common themes are: Self doubt, “what if I am wrong”

(6) Becoming a one-stop-shop for your partner #

• “If I do enough for them, they will be happy”. No they will never be happy, because they are not capable
• Becoming a personal assistant with many roles like:
  • Parent
  • Chef
  • Home assistant
  • Cheerleader

(7) Hiding your feeling and needs #

• You do not feel that you can share your needs
• It is true, you can’t share without getting hurt
• This pattern is not about survival, but self devaluation and fear of upsetting the narc

(8) Rationalizing the relationship to other people or hiding the pattern from others #

• “That is normal, right”
• There is a lot of shame, so it is not possible for an empat to talk to others about the relationship in happy terms
• An empat can describe the relationship as good, and talk about the future fake stuff as it is real
• Hide the unconfortable stuff or be very vague when talking about the relationship
• Many empats do not get the support needed since they are offering a “good picture” of their lives
• They might not be hearing the dissenting voices, empats are stuck! The patterns of justifications keep going

Can this change? #

• It is very effortful for this to change
• This is why when the empat meets a person that is calm, stable and without drama they might “not have a connection”
• The absence of chaos is not recognized as normal. It takes a while to let go those patterns of childhood:
  • Drama = love
  • Abuse = love
  • Invalidation = love
• It requires to understand the architecture of these relationship and yourself
• There is so much shame and subsequent self-blame
  • It is not your fault, it is not understanding it
• Once you understand it, you can change