Video notes: 8 common patterns in trauma bonded relationships

Albert De La Fuente Vigliotti

8 common patterns in trauma bonded relationships - YouTube #

Research more on “trauma bonded relationships”, that is the term

Trauma bonded relationships are a form of indoctrination similar to a cult. The way a cult keeps people around is by creating fear of what is outside in the unknown

(1) Justification #

  • They don’t mean it
  • My parent had a tough childhood
  • Starts in childhood trying to justify parent’s abuse
  • It becomes a reflexive pattern in adults

(2) Believing the future faking #

  • I will go to the doctor
  • I am going to get therapy / I am going to work on myself
  • It never happens in a substantial way, and you get trapped
  • Empats want to believe and will get hanged to any branch that brings hope
  • The person lives in the hope, but never in the reality

(3) Keep having the same fight over and over (repetition compulsion) #

  • It can be about money
  • Or not spending enough time together
  • About your respectives families
  • Same fights every holiday season
  • Same fight over and over with no resolution
  • Narcs have no intention on changing
  • Shows lacks of empathy or growth on narcs
  • Empats are having the same argument with hope of change
  • Toxic personalities are really tough and do not change

(4) Not able to give clear reasons on staying in the relationship #

  • It is “something”
  • Magical justification
  • You should be looking for hard and heavy stuff: Respect, kindness, compassion, mutuality, reciprocity, empathy, growth

(5) Fear of leaving #

  • Once the empat recognize it, and wants to leave, a fear overcomes him
  • The most common themes are: Self doubt, “what if I am wrong”

(6) Becoming a one-stop-shop for your partner #

  • “If I do enough for them, they will be happy”. No they will never be happy, because they are not capable
  • Becoming a personal assistant with many roles like:
    • Parent
    • Chef
    • Home assistant
    • Cheerleader

(7) Hiding your feeling and needs #

  • You do not feel that you can share your needs
  • It is true, you can’t share without getting hurt
  • This pattern is not about survival, but self devaluation and fear of upsetting the narc

(8) Rationalizing the relationship to other people or hiding the pattern from others #

  • “That is normal, right”
  • There is a lot of shame, so it is not possible for an empat to talk to others about the relationship in happy terms
  • An empat can describe the relationship as good, and talk about the future fake stuff as it is real
  • Hide the unconfortable stuff or be very vague when talking about the relationship
  • Many empats do not get the support needed since they are offering a “good picture” of their lives
  • They might not be hearing the dissenting voices, empats are stuck! The patterns of justifications keep going

Can this change? #

  • It is very effortful for this to change
  • This is why when the empat meets a person that is calm, stable and without drama they might “not have a connection”
  • The absence of chaos is not recognized as normal. It takes a while to let go those patterns of childhood:
    • Drama = love
    • Abuse = love
    • Invalidation = love
  • It requires to understand the architecture of these relationship and yourself
  • There is so much shame and subsequent self-blame
    • It is not your fault, it is not understanding it
  • Once you understand it, you can change